Full Butt Moon is Nigh, Earthlings!

are you going full lunatic? howling at everything in the sky? Even um, frisbees? gnashing your fangs? read on...

Me so crazy now! And I’m blaming the moon! I think it may eat us this time! I’m so serious.

What is that that incel in the sky up to now? You know, the man in the moon? Why did I cry/laugh/cry/yelling/feel sleepy/cry/hungry all day on repeat? Why does he warp our minds? What did that Neil Armstrong character leave out in his little story from being on the moon? Huh? You ever wonder that?

I remember in latin class (!!!) (how olde am I?) our tiny, mysterious teacher had us repeating phrases—for all I know we were reciting spells. And we were taught the word luna was moon. Luna Plenum is full moon, btw. Then parva arcanum magister told us he believed that the moon controlled our actions and that he was keeping an extensive journal about his students’ behavior during the full moon!!! It was unnerving because our probably tiny wizard teacher was observing us but also the moon is controlling our minds???

But that’s about how supernatural my high school got. We didn’t have a cast of totally wacked out teachers although our English teacher did have a brain in a jar. And there was a teacher who murdered his whole family but that wasn’t spooky. Just horrorific. And Sad. Sorry I brought that up. But you were probably already crying because of this gd moon! Ugh! Like SU, moon already! The book shoulda said!

here’s a lil crayon drawing I dood, me looking at moon. Aooo!

Lots of people do full moon rituals. I guess they naively believe butthole moon is somehow helping the plight of humanity? These people are all like: Take a bath! Release negativity! Tune into your psychic instincts and set intentions for high vibrations!

I’m just gonna say drink water. The crying is draining and that is the jerk’s big plan. To dehydrate us. Nice effing try, zit rock! I NEVER let myself get dehydrated. Number one rule of zit farming. Jug of water in my tractor at all times.

Other stuff: Don’t cut your finger on a bread knife like my husband just did. Do not answer the phone. Avoid the phone. It’s all sloppy sounds of moon ravaged humans on there. Text only! If you’re gonna yell, don’t yell at your cat Whiskers. You’re just gonna look stupid.

We may survive. We may not. Time will tell. See what’s left of us tomorrow.

Bonum Nocte!

-Zit Agricola Crosbie

this is the “our” moon. it is trying to push our buttons! ignore it!